Afraid Of Commitment?

So it has occurred to me that maybe I'm afraid of commitment. Or maybe just afraid of getting hurt. I'm not sure, maybe I'm just crazy. A lot of this, I think, stems from my relationship with my baby's daddy. Our relationship wasn't very healthy. I was just 18 when we started dating and I had to deal with a lot from him. He was an alcoholic and would threaten to hurt himself if I didn't go see him right then. It was crazy and I don't know why I put up with it. Then I cheated on him, well kinda. I didn't sleep with someone else, just kissed. And it was someone that to this day I have "what ifs" about. Anyway, I shouldn't have done it being that I was still in a relationship, but we worked it out and soon after I was pregnant with our daughter. My whole pregnancy was a mess, he was always going out with his friends and drinking. I felt so bad for my baby, I would hold my stomach and tell her I was sorry. When she was just 2 weeks old, I had to take him to the ER because he was having heart palpitations due to his drinking. That's when he finally snapped and quit drinking. Unfortunately, that only lasted about a year and he was back to his old games. Soon it also turned into him talking to other girls and we were just torn apart. Our daughter was only a year and a half when we broke up. We'd been together 3 years. The next 5 years after that was a roller coaster. We would get back together for like 3 months and then break up again. I had major trust issues with him and would make it a point to find out anything and everything that he was doing. And forget it if I ever dated someone new. He would flip out and want me back. And I was the stupid one who would go back. Can you imagine going through that for 5 years? It became safer for me to just have friends with benefits. It all finally ended when he started dating someone new. She was a lot younger than him and I wasn't dealing with him anymore. That's what it took for me to get over him. But to this day, I still wonder what if. He's a lot different now but nothing can change the past. We get along great now, but it's probably because we aren't together. Now on to my commitment issues. When I finally let him go, it should have been easy for me. But it wasn't and still isn't. I seem to always find guys that I know can't commit or that I know I won't be with in the long run. I dated an old boyfriend...he and I had gone out when I was 13 so it wasn't much...and then we got together and I made myself believe we could have a future but we really couldn't. He cheated on me, twice before I finally said enough is enough and left him. After him, I met someone at work and started dating him. Came close to marrying him for all the wrong reasons. I don't see how I even thought I could have a future with him either. He was in a detention center when we met and I found out he lied about A LOT of stuff. So yeah. Since then I haven't really had a real relationship other than a 6 week stint with someone who had major issues too. He needed me but only for a short time. I was just a place holder for him in a sense. There was someone, the one I've referred to as "#1" in previous blogs. I actually thought he could be the ONE. When I met him, he didn't seem at all like other guys. I really thought he had his sh*t together but not quite. And it took me this long to realize that I've been dreaming a fantasy world when it comes to him. As for #2, I knew we could never be more than what we were and why did I make myself fine with that? I don't get it. So do I really let myself get involved with guys who I know are "unattainable" for the long run? And if so, why?? Fast forward to my spiderman...we get along great. We spent the weekend together and it was great...but still JUST FRIENDS. And I'm okay with that and not okay with that. My heart gets confused I think. I make up my mind to be okay with someone but my heart sees things differently. Sleeping in his arms was amazing and the little kisses he would steal here and there. I miss him now and I'm not supposed to. Sigh...     

Back Again

Talk about a crazy past few months. Of course, I don't think my life will ever be anything less. I really want it to, just don't know how to get it there. I wish I could find someone to spend my life with, someone that I can do things with and that will love my daughter like their own. I'm tired of going out, tired of the partying. But staying home just doesn't do it for me either. I think I've fallen into a depression and have been trying to climb out of it. I wish my life had gone differently and that I wasn't stuck where I am. I know they say everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for this? Why do I still live at home? I know because if I lived alone I'd go crazy. Of course my daughter would be with me but whenever she'd be with her dad or something, that's when I'd go crazy. I don't do well with being completely alone. Anyway...on with my crazy life...#1 broke up with his girlfriend finally and I knew better than to get my hopes up...but he did call me to tell me, he did take me to lunch, and he did spend Christmas eve with me. And then I didn't hear from him for a week. I was upset New Year's Eve that I texted him and told him I wouldn't be a convenience to him. That was that I guess. I never heard from him again after that. Then I caved and texted him the other night, but nothing really came of that. He did text me back, but just to tell me that he's been busy at work. Whatever. #2 and I haven't really been talking. But I do know that he and I will always be friends and I don't stress about him. I just need to get over #1 once and for all and move on. Just wish it was that easy. So now we add someone else to the mix. My spiderman. We've known each other all our lives and it's kinda funny cuz I couldn't stand him. In junior high and high school he just irritated me. Then he used to hang out with my baby's daddy so that didn't go over well either. And then I don't know what happened. We ran into each other out one night. I guess we kinda bonded, but just friends. After that we'd see each other and kinda flirt but nothing ever came of it till one night, about 6 years ago. We ended up having a one night stand and I figured that's all it would be. And that's all it was for awhile. He moved away and we ended up chatting online one night. After that we were always texting each other and sending each other pictures, wanting to see each other but not being able to. When we finally saw each other we spent a few days together, it was nice. But I knew I shouldn't get attached because, of course, we were just friends with benefits. It's kinda weird, we've gone through long periods of not seeing each other but always keeping in touch. We tell each other "I love you" but yet still, just friends. A couple years ago he moved back and we would see each other every couple of weeks but then that stopped. Last year, we didn't see each other at all until my birthday in December. I go thru these stupid phases and swear off all men and he gets hurt that I would lump him into that. And he has every right cause he's not like all those other guys. I know exactly where I stand with him and I know that I can count on him no matter what, even if we aren't hooking up. So with that said, I've decided not to do that to him anymore. I've actually kinda decided that he will be the only one till I find "The One". Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems like the best thing for me right now. Except that feelings still creep up. There are still times that I look at him and think why can't we be more. We were together this weekend and I was so comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Now I'm just hoping we will see each other again soon. But also hoping I don't get myself too attached to where he breaks my heart. *sigh*