Where HAVE all the cowboys gone?

Ugh! I'm seriously ready to give up. And it's weird cuz some people tell you not to look for love, it will find you...but then others say never give up looking. So which is it supposed to be? I just don't know anymore. And I've also heard the one "you won't find love in a bar" Well where are you supposed to find it? Not saying the bar is the best place, but just cuz you meet someone in a bar doesn't mean it's not gonna work out, right? And just cuz you meet someone at church doesn't mean it will work out. I'm just so frustrated and maybe it's my own fault. I've allowed myself to be with guys that don't want anything more than friends with benefits and yes that's MY bad. But at the same time, I really haven't met anyone who doesn't want just that and it's making me feel like maybe that's all I'm good for. A year ago, I met a really nice guy. We went on a date, but I sabotaged it. He was really sweet, but everything in me rejected him. I really don't know why. I've thought so many times that maybe I should have given him a chance. We've stayed friends and we talk now and then. He's been there for me like a good friend should whenever I've needed someone to talk to. Then one night he brought up sharing a bed or something...anyway you know what he wanted. I was so shocked cuz when we talked before our date, he said sex wasn't a big deal...that a relationship should be built first...so was that just a line? Who knows? He now has a girlfriend...said he doesn't know where it's going and that we can still have fun. WTF? However, when I told him I made myself a promise, he was cool with it. Ok, so let's fast forward to last week. I went out with my sisters-in-law and there was a group of cowboys (yes! I've been dying to find me a cowboy LOL!) and one of them went over to talk to me. He chatted me up for a bit and then told me that his cousin wanted to meet me. So I told him to tell him to come talk to me then. So he did...seemed like a really nice guy. He bought me a drink and asked me to go sit with him and his cousins. So I did...which BTW...made the guy from my last post extremely jealous (#score!) Anyway...we talked but he wanted me to go with him to his cousin's house and I just wasn't having it. I'd just met him and I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a hookup. So to my surprise, he still texted me a couple days later. So here I'm thinking maybe he's a good guy. THEN he texts me telling me he's got a girlfriend but we can play around if I don't mind, to let him know. Seriously?! The worst part, though, is that I considered it...just for a second and then I was like what are you thinking! So I texted him back and said, "no that's cool, but thanks for telling me." That's the only thing I give him a tiny bit of credit for...for actually telling me and giving me the option instead of pursuing me and then me finding out later. Makes me wonder if there are faithful guys out there...I felt bad for his girlfriend when he told me. Cuz even tho I said no...there's some girl out there that will say ok. SIGH!

F***ed Up Situation

I won't lie, I know this is a f***ed up situation and wrong on so many levels but I just don't know how to handle it. So about a year ago I ended up hooking up with a friend of mine. We've known each other for awhile, have always been friends...always hung out and stuff...but had never thought about going there. Or maybe we both did, just never acknowledged it until one buzzed night. It was a random, totally thoughtless occurrence. Instead of the one night stand that I thought it might turn out to be, it became a full on friends with benefits thing. So when it's two consenting adults, there should be no complications, right? Wrong! I'd dated his brother before (yes that explains #1 and #2 on my previous blogs) so we couldn't let him find out. My friend "A" had a "thing" for him and to be fair, her and I weren't close friends at the time. We knew each other through mutual friends and she was engaged...but we decided it was better for her not to know either. It's odd though, becuz it wasn't hidden very well so I'm not sure how they can not know. Anyway...next complication, I lost my so called best friends cuz I left with him one night. So that is kinda what complicated the next thing. Confused yet? LOL! Well here goes...my so called best friends were friends with A and that's how I met her. Well they kinda threw her to the wolves becuz she had her own sh*t going on. Then they basically threw me to the wolves too. So her and I started talking more and she and her fiance would go out with me. She kinda knew the story of why our so called best friends ditched me but she didn't know it was him. To this day she doesn't know it's him. It's killing me becuz I don't know how she will react if she finds out. She knows that he and I are great friends but that's the extent that she knows...that I know of anyway. She's never told me anything. Most of the times that she and her fiance would go out with me, she would call him to go meet us also. So when she was around, we weren't affectionate at all. For my birthday I knew they would both be there and I wasn't gonna deal with it so I invited my spiderman to go with me. Well I guess he got kinda hurt that I had someone else there...and I was like hello you had A there and wouldn't have done anything with her around but he claims otherwise. We hadn't been together since Thanksgiving and I'd decided that was for the best for a lot of reasons. But then I saw him a couple of weeks ago and that all changed. She's no longer with her fiance but has a new boyfriend. I just don't know how to feel, how to deal, or how it will affect things with her and me. We're all supposed to meet up tomorrow night for St. Patrick's day...so we'll see how that turns out.

Baby Fever

I've actually had baby fever for awhile now. Every time I thought I was with someone I could have another baby with, everything fell apart. It makes me wonder if I'm not meant to have another one, or if waiting for the right guy isn't the way to go. Unfortunately, I don't even know if I could conceive. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I've gotten to the point that I'm kinda like that movie "The Backup Plan" and with my luck, that's what would happen to me LOL! I'd get artificially inseminated and THEN I'd meet the man of my dreams. Yeah right, I don't even have that kinda luck. Ok, seriously, my biological time clock is ticking. I don't want to think about having kids after I'm 35, that's my cut off. So the question still remains, do I wait for Mr. Right, or say screw it and do something else about it? Or, do I just be happy that I have a wonderful, healthy child already and forget about another baby? I'm so lost on this one. Plus the fact that every time I go off my birth control pills, I don't seem to get ovulation back. The last time I tried, I broke out horribly and found out that I had cysts on my ovaries. The only answer was to go back on bcp. Maybe I need a new doctor? I dunno, just kind of ranting.

A New Day and a Rant

So crazy how your inner peace can change dramatically once you finally let go of something. I've done so much thinking the past couple of months and have finally come to peace with letting go of all the craziness that had been my life for such a long time. I'm done trying to be a part of something that I'm obviously not meant to be a part of. It's true that if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make that effort and I've finally realized that. Now I still haven't come to peace with being completely alone so I still have my spiderman, but we understand each other and are there for each other. So we'll see how that one turns out, but I have a feeling that whichever way it goes, will be ok. :o)

Now for my rant. My baby's father. I can't understand how a parent can sit back and not do a damn thing for their child. I know there are dead beat parents out there that aren't worth a crap. But why act like you're a good father but your actions really show otherwise? My daughter has been raising money for a trip with her school and her dad can't lift a finger to help her out and I really doubt that he's going to help pay whatever we're going to owe after the fundraisers are over and done with. I spent all of Sunday evening baking cakes and cupcakes and he made a big deal about driving to our house to drop off tickets. Which leads me to the fact that he doesn't even offer to help sell raffle tickets or candies or anything! Ugh!!! And to top all that off...he always has his other daughter, but instead of calling to get my daughter he leaves it up to her to decide when she wants to go with him and call him. WTF?

Afraid Of Commitment?

So it has occurred to me that maybe I'm afraid of commitment. Or maybe just afraid of getting hurt. I'm not sure, maybe I'm just crazy. A lot of this, I think, stems from my relationship with my baby's daddy. Our relationship wasn't very healthy. I was just 18 when we started dating and I had to deal with a lot from him. He was an alcoholic and would threaten to hurt himself if I didn't go see him right then. It was crazy and I don't know why I put up with it. Then I cheated on him, well kinda. I didn't sleep with someone else, just kissed. And it was someone that to this day I have "what ifs" about. Anyway, I shouldn't have done it being that I was still in a relationship, but we worked it out and soon after I was pregnant with our daughter. My whole pregnancy was a mess, he was always going out with his friends and drinking. I felt so bad for my baby, I would hold my stomach and tell her I was sorry. When she was just 2 weeks old, I had to take him to the ER because he was having heart palpitations due to his drinking. That's when he finally snapped and quit drinking. Unfortunately, that only lasted about a year and he was back to his old games. Soon it also turned into him talking to other girls and we were just torn apart. Our daughter was only a year and a half when we broke up. We'd been together 3 years. The next 5 years after that was a roller coaster. We would get back together for like 3 months and then break up again. I had major trust issues with him and would make it a point to find out anything and everything that he was doing. And forget it if I ever dated someone new. He would flip out and want me back. And I was the stupid one who would go back. Can you imagine going through that for 5 years? It became safer for me to just have friends with benefits. It all finally ended when he started dating someone new. She was a lot younger than him and I wasn't dealing with him anymore. That's what it took for me to get over him. But to this day, I still wonder what if. He's a lot different now but nothing can change the past. We get along great now, but it's probably because we aren't together. Now on to my commitment issues. When I finally let him go, it should have been easy for me. But it wasn't and still isn't. I seem to always find guys that I know can't commit or that I know I won't be with in the long run. I dated an old boyfriend...he and I had gone out when I was 13 so it wasn't much...and then we got together and I made myself believe we could have a future but we really couldn't. He cheated on me, twice before I finally said enough is enough and left him. After him, I met someone at work and started dating him. Came close to marrying him for all the wrong reasons. I don't see how I even thought I could have a future with him either. He was in a detention center when we met and I found out he lied about A LOT of stuff. So yeah. Since then I haven't really had a real relationship other than a 6 week stint with someone who had major issues too. He needed me but only for a short time. I was just a place holder for him in a sense. There was someone, the one I've referred to as "#1" in previous blogs. I actually thought he could be the ONE. When I met him, he didn't seem at all like other guys. I really thought he had his sh*t together but not quite. And it took me this long to realize that I've been dreaming a fantasy world when it comes to him. As for #2, I knew we could never be more than what we were and why did I make myself fine with that? I don't get it. So do I really let myself get involved with guys who I know are "unattainable" for the long run? And if so, why?? Fast forward to my spiderman...we get along great. We spent the weekend together and it was great...but still JUST FRIENDS. And I'm okay with that and not okay with that. My heart gets confused I think. I make up my mind to be okay with someone but my heart sees things differently. Sleeping in his arms was amazing and the little kisses he would steal here and there. I miss him now and I'm not supposed to. Sigh...     

Back Again

Talk about a crazy past few months. Of course, I don't think my life will ever be anything less. I really want it to, just don't know how to get it there. I wish I could find someone to spend my life with, someone that I can do things with and that will love my daughter like their own. I'm tired of going out, tired of the partying. But staying home just doesn't do it for me either. I think I've fallen into a depression and have been trying to climb out of it. I wish my life had gone differently and that I wasn't stuck where I am. I know they say everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for this? Why do I still live at home? I know because if I lived alone I'd go crazy. Of course my daughter would be with me but whenever she'd be with her dad or something, that's when I'd go crazy. I don't do well with being completely alone. Anyway...on with my crazy life...#1 broke up with his girlfriend finally and I knew better than to get my hopes up...but he did call me to tell me, he did take me to lunch, and he did spend Christmas eve with me. And then I didn't hear from him for a week. I was upset New Year's Eve that I texted him and told him I wouldn't be a convenience to him. That was that I guess. I never heard from him again after that. Then I caved and texted him the other night, but nothing really came of that. He did text me back, but just to tell me that he's been busy at work. Whatever. #2 and I haven't really been talking. But I do know that he and I will always be friends and I don't stress about him. I just need to get over #1 once and for all and move on. Just wish it was that easy. So now we add someone else to the mix. My spiderman. We've known each other all our lives and it's kinda funny cuz I couldn't stand him. In junior high and high school he just irritated me. Then he used to hang out with my baby's daddy so that didn't go over well either. And then I don't know what happened. We ran into each other out one night. I guess we kinda bonded, but just friends. After that we'd see each other and kinda flirt but nothing ever came of it till one night, about 6 years ago. We ended up having a one night stand and I figured that's all it would be. And that's all it was for awhile. He moved away and we ended up chatting online one night. After that we were always texting each other and sending each other pictures, wanting to see each other but not being able to. When we finally saw each other we spent a few days together, it was nice. But I knew I shouldn't get attached because, of course, we were just friends with benefits. It's kinda weird, we've gone through long periods of not seeing each other but always keeping in touch. We tell each other "I love you" but yet still, just friends. A couple years ago he moved back and we would see each other every couple of weeks but then that stopped. Last year, we didn't see each other at all until my birthday in December. I go thru these stupid phases and swear off all men and he gets hurt that I would lump him into that. And he has every right cause he's not like all those other guys. I know exactly where I stand with him and I know that I can count on him no matter what, even if we aren't hooking up. So with that said, I've decided not to do that to him anymore. I've actually kinda decided that he will be the only one till I find "The One". Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems like the best thing for me right now. Except that feelings still creep up. There are still times that I look at him and think why can't we be more. We were together this weekend and I was so comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Now I'm just hoping we will see each other again soon. But also hoping I don't get myself too attached to where he breaks my heart. *sigh*

Gone Crazy

I don't even know where to begin. I stopped blogging for a couple of months there because I didn't want to acknowledge what happened to me I guess. I trusted the wrong person and he did the unthinkable to me. It's not like it was a violent act, but it was still wrong. It made me question myself and who I am. And maybe I never knew and maybe still don't know. I stopped going out, I made up my mind to stop doing things that I thought were bad for me. And then everything came crashing at once anyway. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I still have mixed feelings for #1 and #2. I'd given up on them both, only to find myself with them within a week of each other. Who does that? And now I haven't talked to either of them and it bugs me. I've been fighting my feelings for #1 for so long now. So when it looked like things were over and done with #2 I decided why not? I went to see #1 and it was as great as ever. But is it worth and once in awhile thing? I love him, I can't deny that. But if he loved me, he'd be with me and only me. There would be no girlfriend in the picture. I know that, so why can't I just stop? As for #2, just when I thought for sure it was over, he starts to call and text again. We ended up running into each other one night and hanging out. With his ex at that. Who of course doesn't know about us. And to add to this one of my best friends has feelings for him. They talk and that's about as much as I know. She's engaged to be married. But I know if she finds out about us she's going to be mad. With so much against us, why do we bother? I don't know and I hate it. I wish I could just find "the ONE" already. Don't I deserve that? Or am I creating such bad karma for myself that I will never find it?