Gone Crazy

I don't even know where to begin. I stopped blogging for a couple of months there because I didn't want to acknowledge what happened to me I guess. I trusted the wrong person and he did the unthinkable to me. It's not like it was a violent act, but it was still wrong. It made me question myself and who I am. And maybe I never knew and maybe still don't know. I stopped going out, I made up my mind to stop doing things that I thought were bad for me. And then everything came crashing at once anyway. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I still have mixed feelings for #1 and #2. I'd given up on them both, only to find myself with them within a week of each other. Who does that? And now I haven't talked to either of them and it bugs me. I've been fighting my feelings for #1 for so long now. So when it looked like things were over and done with #2 I decided why not? I went to see #1 and it was as great as ever. But is it worth and once in awhile thing? I love him, I can't deny that. But if he loved me, he'd be with me and only me. There would be no girlfriend in the picture. I know that, so why can't I just stop? As for #2, just when I thought for sure it was over, he starts to call and text again. We ended up running into each other one night and hanging out. With his ex at that. Who of course doesn't know about us. And to add to this one of my best friends has feelings for him. They talk and that's about as much as I know. She's engaged to be married. But I know if she finds out about us she's going to be mad. With so much against us, why do we bother? I don't know and I hate it. I wish I could just find "the ONE" already. Don't I deserve that? Or am I creating such bad karma for myself that I will never find it?