Thursday, January 27, 2011
Afraid Of Commitment?
So it has occurred to me that maybe I'm afraid of commitment. Or maybe just afraid of getting hurt. I'm not sure, maybe I'm just crazy. A lot of this, I think, stems from my relationship with my baby's daddy. Our relationship wasn't very healthy. I was just 18 when we started dating and I had to deal with a lot from him. He was an alcoholic and would threaten to hurt himself if I didn't go see him right then. It was crazy and I don't know why I put up with it. Then I cheated on him, well kinda. I didn't sleep with someone else, just kissed. And it was someone that to this day I have "what ifs" about. Anyway, I shouldn't have done it being that I was still in a relationship, but we worked it out and soon after I was pregnant with our daughter. My whole pregnancy was a mess, he was always going out with his friends and drinking. I felt so bad for my baby, I would hold my stomach and tell her I was sorry. When she was just 2 weeks old, I had to take him to the ER because he was having heart palpitations due to his drinking. That's when he finally snapped and quit drinking. Unfortunately, that only lasted about a year and he was back to his old games. Soon it also turned into him talking to other girls and we were just torn apart. Our daughter was only a year and a half when we broke up. We'd been together 3 years. The next 5 years after that was a roller coaster. We would get back together for like 3 months and then break up again. I had major trust issues with him and would make it a point to find out anything and everything that he was doing. And forget it if I ever dated someone new. He would flip out and want me back. And I was the stupid one who would go back. Can you imagine going through that for 5 years? It became safer for me to just have friends with benefits. It all finally ended when he started dating someone new. She was a lot younger than him and I wasn't dealing with him anymore. That's what it took for me to get over him. But to this day, I still wonder what if. He's a lot different now but nothing can change the past. We get along great now, but it's probably because we aren't together. Now on to my commitment issues. When I finally let him go, it should have been easy for me. But it wasn't and still isn't. I seem to always find guys that I know can't commit or that I know I won't be with in the long run. I dated an old boyfriend...he and I had gone out when I was 13 so it wasn't much...and then we got together and I made myself believe we could have a future but we really couldn't. He cheated on me, twice before I finally said enough is enough and left him. After him, I met someone at work and started dating him. Came close to marrying him for all the wrong reasons. I don't see how I even thought I could have a future with him either. He was in a detention center when we met and I found out he lied about A LOT of stuff. So yeah. Since then I haven't really had a real relationship other than a 6 week stint with someone who had major issues too. He needed me but only for a short time. I was just a place holder for him in a sense. There was someone, the one I've referred to as "#1" in previous blogs. I actually thought he could be the ONE. When I met him, he didn't seem at all like other guys. I really thought he had his sh*t together but not quite. And it took me this long to realize that I've been dreaming a fantasy world when it comes to him. As for #2, I knew we could never be more than what we were and why did I make myself fine with that? I don't get it. So do I really let myself get involved with guys who I know are "unattainable" for the long run? And if so, why?? Fast forward to my spiderman...we get along great. We spent the weekend together and it was great...but still JUST FRIENDS. And I'm okay with that and not okay with that. My heart gets confused I think. I make up my mind to be okay with someone but my heart sees things differently. Sleeping in his arms was amazing and the little kisses he would steal here and there. I miss him now and I'm not supposed to. Sigh...
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on the contrary... you're completely opposite from a committmentphobe. You fall in love all the time, you're always ready to make a committment. you have NO ISSUES with being in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteyour only issue is... you need to stop finding and dating men that are unavailable to begin with.
I just don't get why though. I have met guys who could be more and for some reason I don't have a connection. That's why I feel like there's something underlying...
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I'm thinking that maybe you aren't as over your baby's daddy as much as you think you are. Obviously, I don't know for sure, but it's almost like you keep picking guys who similar to how he was. Maybe more the bad guy type. That's what I did for a long time and it got me no where. The only thing it did get me was a lot of pain. When I met my husband, I thought he was dorky. He seemed like a good boy and that bored me, but eventually I found out he was more like me than I knew. He's still not the bad boy type I always looked for and the change is nice.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with the previous comment that said maybe you fall in love too easily. Guard yourself. Don't let every guy you meet be the one. I know that's hard. I did the same thing. By the end of the first date I'd be planning our happily ever after in my head. But of course things never lasted nearly that long. It's hard, I know. Put yourself out there, but not too far. Meet new people, but hold yourself back from going too far. One of my biggest issues was sleeping with who ever was interested. Finally I learned that friends with benefits were worse than having no one because I still never got what I really wanted - to be loved. So I stopped sleeping with guys. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you sleep around or anything, but thats just from my experience. I had to step back and think about how I really wanted to be treated. It was hard sometimes, but I started to feel better about myself.
That's probably true. It took me a long time to get over my baby's daddy and even now sometimes I look at him and wonder why we're not together. But I do know that there's a reason we aren't and I'm content with it. We get along better now than we did when we were together, but that's probably why, becuz we aren't together LOL!! But yes, you hit the nail on the head...the bad boy. That's my problem and I'm trying to figure out how to get away from that. I know it's only been a month, but I've been good this year and have been staying away from all that. With the exception of my one friend. I know, ironic, but he's been there for me for a lot and I know he will be no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice, I really am taking it to heart and am going to try and do what you said. You know put myself out there, but be guarded.