Back Again

Talk about a crazy past few months. Of course, I don't think my life will ever be anything less. I really want it to, just don't know how to get it there. I wish I could find someone to spend my life with, someone that I can do things with and that will love my daughter like their own. I'm tired of going out, tired of the partying. But staying home just doesn't do it for me either. I think I've fallen into a depression and have been trying to climb out of it. I wish my life had gone differently and that I wasn't stuck where I am. I know they say everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for this? Why do I still live at home? I know because if I lived alone I'd go crazy. Of course my daughter would be with me but whenever she'd be with her dad or something, that's when I'd go crazy. I don't do well with being completely alone. Anyway...on with my crazy life...#1 broke up with his girlfriend finally and I knew better than to get my hopes up...but he did call me to tell me, he did take me to lunch, and he did spend Christmas eve with me. And then I didn't hear from him for a week. I was upset New Year's Eve that I texted him and told him I wouldn't be a convenience to him. That was that I guess. I never heard from him again after that. Then I caved and texted him the other night, but nothing really came of that. He did text me back, but just to tell me that he's been busy at work. Whatever. #2 and I haven't really been talking. But I do know that he and I will always be friends and I don't stress about him. I just need to get over #1 once and for all and move on. Just wish it was that easy. So now we add someone else to the mix. My spiderman. We've known each other all our lives and it's kinda funny cuz I couldn't stand him. In junior high and high school he just irritated me. Then he used to hang out with my baby's daddy so that didn't go over well either. And then I don't know what happened. We ran into each other out one night. I guess we kinda bonded, but just friends. After that we'd see each other and kinda flirt but nothing ever came of it till one night, about 6 years ago. We ended up having a one night stand and I figured that's all it would be. And that's all it was for awhile. He moved away and we ended up chatting online one night. After that we were always texting each other and sending each other pictures, wanting to see each other but not being able to. When we finally saw each other we spent a few days together, it was nice. But I knew I shouldn't get attached because, of course, we were just friends with benefits. It's kinda weird, we've gone through long periods of not seeing each other but always keeping in touch. We tell each other "I love you" but yet still, just friends. A couple years ago he moved back and we would see each other every couple of weeks but then that stopped. Last year, we didn't see each other at all until my birthday in December. I go thru these stupid phases and swear off all men and he gets hurt that I would lump him into that. And he has every right cause he's not like all those other guys. I know exactly where I stand with him and I know that I can count on him no matter what, even if we aren't hooking up. So with that said, I've decided not to do that to him anymore. I've actually kinda decided that he will be the only one till I find "The One". Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems like the best thing for me right now. Except that feelings still creep up. There are still times that I look at him and think why can't we be more. We were together this weekend and I was so comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Now I'm just hoping we will see each other again soon. But also hoping I don't get myself too attached to where he breaks my heart. *sigh*