Gone Crazy

I don't even know where to begin. I stopped blogging for a couple of months there because I didn't want to acknowledge what happened to me I guess. I trusted the wrong person and he did the unthinkable to me. It's not like it was a violent act, but it was still wrong. It made me question myself and who I am. And maybe I never knew and maybe still don't know. I stopped going out, I made up my mind to stop doing things that I thought were bad for me. And then everything came crashing at once anyway. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I still have mixed feelings for #1 and #2. I'd given up on them both, only to find myself with them within a week of each other. Who does that? And now I haven't talked to either of them and it bugs me. I've been fighting my feelings for #1 for so long now. So when it looked like things were over and done with #2 I decided why not? I went to see #1 and it was as great as ever. But is it worth and once in awhile thing? I love him, I can't deny that. But if he loved me, he'd be with me and only me. There would be no girlfriend in the picture. I know that, so why can't I just stop? As for #2, just when I thought for sure it was over, he starts to call and text again. We ended up running into each other one night and hanging out. With his ex at that. Who of course doesn't know about us. And to add to this one of my best friends has feelings for him. They talk and that's about as much as I know. She's engaged to be married. But I know if she finds out about us she's going to be mad. With so much against us, why do we bother? I don't know and I hate it. I wish I could just find "the ONE" already. Don't I deserve that? Or am I creating such bad karma for myself that I will never find it?

Playing With Fire

So #1 has been calling me A LOT. I love our conversations and he makes me laugh, I look forward to his calls and miss him when I don't hear from him. I was weary about meeting up with him or anything because of #2 but last weekend something happened that totally diverted my thinking. I went out with a good friend of mine and we ran into #2, well he was with someone. So seeing him with someone else and seeing that it didn't bother him to be with someone else around me made me snap and realize that he's content with how things are between us and isn't going to change anything. So why should I worry about who I'm with whether I'm around him or not, and if he finds out somehow, who cares!? I think it was what I needed so that I can let him go and move on or whatever this is going to be. I saw #2 the other day at his work and he talked to me and all, I just wished we would have been somewhere different or somewhere alone. It's weird, I spent so much time trying to get over him, and I was just about there and then boom! he starts paying all this attention to me. I feel like he was meant to be a part of me some way somehow. I feel the same about #2 but more on a friendship level. My question now is if something does happen between me and #1, how is #2 going to react, and if #1 ever finds out about #2, how is he going to react? I'm playing with fire big time, but maybe just maybe I won't get burned this time.

Pure Craziness

So in my last blog I talked about having feelings for 2 guys. Well let's just say they are close to each other. One knows about the other and the other doesn't. It can get awkward at times but I just don't know what to do. I care about them both. I almost ended up with #1 the other night, but circumstances didn't allow me to go to his house. Which I guess was for the best because I did end up with #2 over the weekend and that's where pure craziness came from. Drunk and doing bad things with people around! I don't know what's up with me sometimes. I don't know why I let things get this far. Why fall in love with someone who can't love you back? #1 possibly could, but why is he with someone else? #2 also possibly could but won't for sure because of #1 and also because he is just not ready to settle down. I know I'm not the only one he sees so why do I even bother? Yes, the sex is that good, but is it worth getting my heart broken?

Feelings

I've always been the type of girl that loves too fast and too hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been "in love" but there are a select few that still hold a piece of my heart and I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. I mean of course there's my baby's daddy...I will always love him, but it doesn't bother me like it used to. Then there are others that I still think about but are no longer in my life. And now, at this very moment, there are 2 that I can't seem to shake. There's only one I want to talk about right now. We knew each other since we were younger but never really knew each other personally. Then one night we met and that's where everything started. We dated if that's what you want to call it. I fell in love and he broke my heart. To make a long story short, he has a girlfriend now but lately has been calling me. I don't know how to take it. Does he miss my friendship? Or does me miss ME? And I don't ask because I don't want it to stop. Weird, right? He hasn't talked about getting together like we used to before, we just talk. Sometimes we talk about old times (one of which I will have to blog about later ;) and sometimes we just talk about nothing in particular. It's making me miss him and making me wish things had turned out differently. He's been a really good friend to me after everything we went through before and I'd like to say that I have been to him as well. So my latest pondering is do I just not question it and enjoy the friendship...or do I dig?

First Time

I haven't done a blog in a long time. I would like some place to vent my thoughts, but I don't want it on any of my personal pages. I want to be kept anonymous. I have some crazy situations going on in my life and sometimes I just need to get it all out without someone judging me. With that said, I will start my blog here soon...